I had a friend who was pregnant. She found out she was carrying twins pretty early one, but then one died, which is pretty common with twins. She was very upset by it. She already has one son and I wanted to say "Yeah, well, that happens, you'll still have two children and you can have a third any time."
While on one level I certainly understand her pain on the other level I feel bitter. She can have as many children as she likes. She is primarily a stay-at-home mom with a light part-time job. She will have two children, which is what she thought she'd have as it was.
I wanted to tell her that I knew what it felt like. I wanted to say that I'd had an abortion, that whether or not I wanted children my disease had made the decision for me, that sometimes being with my nephew leaves me so depressed I don't want to leave my bed.
I didn't tell her though. I listened to her talk about jewelry commemorating her children and I kept quiet. I feel so much more intimidated bringing it up to women who have children. I feel like their first instinct will be to wonder how I could have done it or else they'll just pity me.
As someone who is disabled I have an extreme aversion to pity. Empathy, even sympathy, I'm fine with. The trouble is it can be hard to tell the difference, especially springing something like that. on a person.
Whether it is guilt or fear or just being uncomfortable with women who have what we couldn't or what we didn't want, it's hard to tell these women. Hard to open up and say "Your reason for living, your utter joy, caused me to have a traumatic experience." In some ways it's a version of reality that exists through the looking glass, an alternate way things might have played out if circumstances, age, our just our own selves were a little different.
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