A Miscarriage of Support

An abortion is not seen in the same light as a miscarriage. It is not seen by your friends or family as the loss of a child, as papable and real as any loss, and just as deep. Whether or not the pregnancy was intended or wanted, it hurts. It hurts to have that spark of life inside you, to feel the effects of it, and then to have to let it go.




Yet I feel that most women who have experienced miscarriage would feel right at home with women who've had abortions. A loss is a loss is a loss. There are some who say "You chose this loss, you don't get to feel sad about it." Yet we do that all the time. We break up with lovers because we know long-term it's no good, but we still feel sad about it. We give away something we'd been hoarding because we know we don't have the space but though we had good reasons we still miss it or feel a little bad. We do this type of thing all the time and it is nothing compared to the potential of a child's life.

But we should move on. We should let it go as casually as we wash our hair. Friends and family want us to stop talking about, to stop making them feel awkward.

That's okay though, right? We can call upon the community of other woman who've had this loss. With the benefit of the internet we can even do it from the privacy of our own homes. That is, if we're willing to brave the forum trolls, the anti-choice contingent.

Even with all of the forums, all of the categories of support, the online hugs, knowing all these women know just what you're going through, it is not enough. It is never enough. To not have anyone to hug in person, to not have anyone to lean on and cry on. That physical bond is extremely important, especially after experiencing such a physical loss.

Most women's closeness to parents or siblings doesn't usually extend to extensive conversations about abortion, especially since often their opinions differ. Therapy is often more judgemental than helpful. The women are subjected to a therapist who has no grasp on abortion, no idea how the emotional trauma mirrors miscarriage. The awkwardness continues if the therapist is a man or an older woman.

The woman, the patient involved, has no idea as to the political leanings of the therapist. She may hide her real feelings and try cover up more of her grief for fear of being judged, we all fear that. An older therapist can put the woman in mind of a parent and make it even more difficult to open up enough to really begin healing.